If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My ass is underappreciated
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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