There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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