i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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