I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
