I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
