I'm eating all of the evidence.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
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The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
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17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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