You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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