i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
