I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
