If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
