I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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