I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
