im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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