You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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