***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
