But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
