My sheets look like a crime scene.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
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Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
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last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire