Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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