Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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