I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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