nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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