...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
