Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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