i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
