just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
