Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
