a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I faked an abortion last night.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
