dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
is wine microwaveable?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
