On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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