there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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