he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
