I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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