Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
