Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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