Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
