Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
