just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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