he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize