If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
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The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
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In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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