I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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