Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
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me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
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No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?