Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
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I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
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He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.