pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?