I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
