shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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