Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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