whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
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As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
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I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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