Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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