its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
