Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
