6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
