Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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