My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
