"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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