You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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