GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
