In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
