This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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