My room smells like vodka and shame
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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