So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
