The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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