forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She bit a glass in half.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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