U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
